All Behaviour Is Communication: What Are Children Telling Us?

January often brings a noticeable shift.

Children and adults are tired and dysregulated.

And behaviour can suddenly feel louder, more intense, or harder to manage than it did before the winter break.

When this happens, it’s easy to slip into thinking:

What’s going on with this behaviour?

Why isn’t this working anymore?

What strategy do we need next?

But one of the most important things I hold onto as a Speech & Language Therapist is this simple truth:

All behaviour is communication.

Behaviour isn’t the problem, it’s a message.

When children don’t yet have the words, the processing capacity, or the emotional regulation skills to express what’s happening for them, behaviour often steps in to do the talking instead.

That behaviour might be:

• loud or disruptive

• withdrawn or avoidant

• explosive or tearful

• controlling or rigid

And while it can feel challenging to respond to, it’s rarely random.

Behaviour is often a child’s best available attempt at communicating something important.

What behaviour might be communicating

1. “I don’t have the words for this”

For non-speaking or minimally verbal children, behaviour can be a primary communication system.

Pushing objects away, dropping to the floor, or refusing activities may be saying:

• I don’t want this

• I don’t understand

• This feels too hard

When we treat the behaviour as the problem, we miss the communication underneath it.

2. “The language load is too high”

Some children appear to cope… until they suddenly can’t.

This is common when:

• instructions are long or complex

• questions come quickly

• there’s pressure to respond immediately

A child who shouts, walks off, or refuses may actually be telling us:

• I can’t process all of this

• I’ve lost track

• I don’t know what you want me to do

Reducing language, slowing the pace, or adding visual support can often change behaviour far more effectively than consequences ever will.

3. “I’m overwhelmed”

Sensory overwhelm and communication are closely linked.

Busy classrooms, noisy corridors, unpredictable routines, and social demands all increase the load on a child’s nervous system. When that load becomes too much, behaviour often escalates.

This might look like:

• ‘tantrums’ or ‘meltdowns’ at the end of the day

• sudden anger over small things

• shutting down or refusing to engage

The behaviour here may be communicating:

• I’ve reached my limit

• I need this to stop

• I need help to regulate

4. “I’m frustrated and I don’t know how to say it”

This is especially common for older children and teenagers.

When expectations increase but communication skills are delayed, frustration builds. That frustration can come out as:

• sarcasm

• defiance

• refusal

• emotional outbursts

Underneath, the message is often:

• I know I’m struggling

• I don’t want to look stupid

• I don’t know how to ask for help

Why behaviour strategies alone often fall short

Behaviour strategies can be helpful, but only when they’re built on an understanding of why the behaviour is happening in the first place.

If we respond to communication difficulties with behaviour systems alone, we risk:

• escalating distress

• reinforcing misunderstanding

• missing unmet needs

• damaging trusted relationships

When we adjust how we communicate, rather than just how we respond to behaviour, things often begin to shift.

A gentle reframe

Instead of asking: How do I stop this behaviour?

Try asking:

• What might this child be trying to tell me?

• What’s hard about this situation?

• How can I make my communication clearer, calmer, or easier to process?

This doesn’t mean ignoring behaviour or removing boundaries. It means responding with curiosity before correction.

In summary

Behaviour is not a sign that someone is “doing it wrong”. Very often, it’s a sign that something underneath needs support.

When we listen to behaviour as communication, we open the door to:

• better understanding

• more effective support

• calmer, more connected interactions

And that’s where real change begins 🌿

This month inside The Speech & Language Garden, I’m exploring behaviour through a communication lens, looking at what children may be telling us, and how small shifts in communication can make a big difference. Choose your tier and join us inside here.